Andrew Konopak is Belcore, in "The Elixir of Love"

Act One: Act 2:

Woody'z Wurdz of Wizdom...

DR. WOODY'S DROLL DICHOS & HOMEY HOMILIES 

• "Tweet" and "Twitter": Last gasps of cultural canaries in this hyper-mediated "coal-mine."
• A 'gentleman' should be known by the quality of his intoxicants and his generosity with them.
• A 9-letter word meaning "Thinking 'Everyone's out to get me. '" 'Paranoiac? "No,"Observant."
• A MINIMUM wage that is NOT also a LIVING wage is makes a mockery of "working for a living."
• A burning flag injures no one who is not wrapped in it.
• Age inflicts the subtlest injuries.
• Agnosticism: A conviction that arguing over the 'existence' of 'gods' is only idol speculation...
• Algebra is the grammar of calculus; calculus is the language of "the modern World."
• Allowing White people to "define" racism in Murka is like letting priests define pederasty.
• Atheism is a "religion" the same way "Off" is a TV channel.
• Belief is redundant in the presence of sufficient evidence.
• Causation in human affairs is ALWAYS retrospective.
• Celebrities are known for BEING known, not for WHAT they know.
• Childless: at least that's ONE mess I won't leave behind.
• Civility is the shit-soaked ball-gag the powerful force onto the People to silence their rage.
• Class war only occurs when the workers fight back
• Correlation is not causality, but it is close enough for schadenfreude,
• Credit cards are nothing so much as renewable instruments of indenture.
• Depressions are only really bad for 98-99% of folks. The rest do okay.
• Dogs read languages most humans don't know we are speaking.
• Do not automatically impute to 'stupidity' what can equally well be explained by 'malice.'
• Do you have the sense that it's already been as good as it's gonna get?
• Don't expect to be treated nicely by people to whose faith you are a living rebuke.
• Economics is the scientific application of high-level maths to the job of making the Rulers look good.
• Everybody's got 'baggage'. What matters is how and what you pack.
• Faith is NOT an automatic dispensation from the requirementrs of reason and logic.
• Free will (#1) is a handy myth by which the Owners can blame the Losers for their own fate and make the Losers accept the verdict.
• Free will (#2) is a metaphorical trap by which the Oners/Owners persuade the powerless to blame themselves for their own oppression.
• Freedom in any civilization is measured by the distance between the Church and the State.
• Freedom isn't free; so quitcher bitchin', and pay your fucking taxes...
• Folks who now blame vaccines for their children's infirmities once blamed witches for still-born calves.
• Grafitti is the art of "self-inscryption."
• Great wealth is never "innocent."
• Grown-ups don't expect "credit" for doing the right thing, or for NOT doing the wrong one.
• Hope is emotional morphine. It doesn't relieve pain, it anulls anxiety about it.
• How can one trust ordinary citizens to be 'responsible gun owners' when so overwhelmingly MANY of them are not even 'responsible citizens?'
• Humanity: A cosmic experiment, testing if Life can survive self-consciousness. The Null Hypothesis appears safe.
• I always scored "high" on drug tests...
• I believe in higher powers; they're called "exponents."
• I bid you all peaceful slumbers--but if not, then poor memory...
• I find the most vitriolic critics of lawyers usually have NOT been "defendants."
• I never lost a job; I knew where every damn one of 'em was the day they let me go...
• I'll believe you don't solve problems by throwing money at them when people with money stop throwing it at their problems.
• I've not got much use for those who gotta have "God" to be good.
• If I know your religious beliefs, and I haven't asked you about'em, you've said too much.
• If it's my weed, we're on my schedule; if it's yours, I'm flexible.
• If men were conditioned from birth to autofellate, they'd never have to leave the house; there'd be world peace in a generation...
• If religious people were susceptible to reason, they wouldn't BE religious people.
• If the fascist boot ain't on yer neck, it might be cuz it's on yer foot.
• If you can be trusted with a gun, you can be trusted with a joint.
• If you get better with age, I must SURELY be approaching "splendid" by now.
• In a dog's eyes, there's no such thing as "size."
• In principle, there are a gazillion explanations for "things" that DON'T require "god," or "divine will" and only one that does. I like the odds.
• In the "real" world, nobody cares HOW you win, only THAT you do...
• In the Corporate State, corporate media are State Media.
• Irony is incomprehensible to the true believer.
• Is "freedom" an intellectual/emotional antidote--the speculative antivenin--to the snake-bite certainty of determinism?
• It is often easier an more effective to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.
• It's hard to quit being an asshole, because it requires admitting you were an asshole to begin with.
• It's your pain. Nobody gets to tell you what hurts, how much or what helps.
• Law functions best to insulate the Rulers from the insolence of the unruly.
• Life is so rich, so variegated, so fecund that I find it unlikely that it is rare.
• Life's an existential tautology: It's only purpose is to "be."
• Life's too short to drink cheap Scotch,
• Men seldom realize they're in the shit til it closes over them.
• Men who weep at tragedy are "compassionate"; a weeping woman is "weak."
• Metaphor: The art of calling something what it is not, and being understood.
• NOTHING of which humans are capable has NOT at some time been both a sin and a sacrament.
• No 'quiet desperation.' Not here; here, the despair is LOUD and RUDE.
• No language is either "inferior" or "superior." None is "better" nor "worse." Each one uniquely conveys the conditions its speakers require it to describe.
• No people is humane or civilized which sells its victims to the highest bidder.
• No reliable CorpoRat sycophant, of which ever "party," ever left Congress broke.
• Nobody gets religion like a slut gone "good."
• Nobody's ever too old to be an orphan.
• One is only as 'free" as one is wealthy. 
• One may be honestly mistaken; but upon learning what is true, one must thereafter cease to be either 1) mistaken or 2) honest.
• One may safely ignore those who loudly or proudly proclaim their own sanctity or enlightenment.
• One seldom mutters imprecations when drunk that one does NOT think when sober.
• One thing "faith" makes possible: ENDLESS self-deception!
• One thing about being a solipsist is, you're never really alone.
• Optimism is the secular equivalent of "faith."
• People who mock lawyers mostly have never been defendants.
• Religion is how folks who need 'purpose' invent it.
• Religion is the safest grift: Nobody can say "God" didn't "say" what you say "He said."
• Sarcasm: For when it's really NOT worth prison.
• Sex is just sex. All the rest is adjectives.
• Speed kills. Weed chills.
• Television: Electronic thorazine for an irritable polis.
• That I am not surprised does not mean I am not outraged.
• The "positive thinking" and "self-reliance" rhetoric is a tool the Bosses use to blame the proles for failing to overcome the hurdles, pitfalls, and obstacles the Owners set before them.
• The "sin" at the root of all "religious" crimes is "thought."
• The Bosses don't have to control what you think as long as they control what you think about, and how you think about it."
• The Difference? Drunks run stop-signs; stoners wait for 'em to turn green.
• The Rich make "choices": Porsche or Jag;the poor make "decisions": Food or rent.
• The Secret of Life: It's doable, once you quit expecting it not to suck.
• The biggest difference between "flying" and "falling" is in the landing.
• The epitome of human hubris is the frantic search for the cure for death.
• The greatest privilege the privileged enjoy is the privilege of pretending they aren't privileged.
• The more knowledge there is, the less "miraculous" the Universe seems, but the MORE astonishing.
• The older I get, the better I used to be.
• The worst thing about having a good education is that it won't let you forget.
• The person who says money can't buy happiness probably doesn't know where to shop.
• There CANNOT be a meaningful political "democracy" amid a totalitarian economy.
• There is no such thing as an "outside" joke.
• There's nothing in the 'worst' of us that isn't in ALL of us.
• They say, you can't cheat an honest man. Don't belive it. You can.
• Thinking: What we call the process of turning feelings into words.
• Treat your 'faith' like your dick: Don't shove it in somebody's face unless they ask...
• United, we bargain; divided, we beg.
• Usurpers are endlessly inventive in "defense" of the stolen.
• We're all gonna go sometime. There is no law that says it's gotta be awful. 
• What Coprophagy is to nutrition, so exactly is Ayn Rand to intellect.
• What we detest most in ourselves, infallibly we detect immediately in others.
• What you see depends not on what you're looking at, but what you're looking for.
• What's the loneliest waterway in the world? Bayou Selphe...
• When in doubt, you're probably right.
• When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. But if you have ANYTHING,m then you have EVERYTHING to lose.
• Who can convince you to believe the impossible can induce you to do the unthinkable.
• Who sees fraud in every program for the poor only attests to their own avarice and sloth. 
• Who would be both safe and free/Asks what ne'er was nor e'er can be.
• Without deadlines, I'd have had far fewer headlines.
• Wolf pups snapping at one anothers' heels aren't simply "playing," they're PRACTICING.
• You are NOT "What you eat." You are what you don't excrete.
• You can't sell your soul and then pretend you still have one.
• You do not "know" what you cannot "say."
• You don't have be very smart to confuse the truly stupid.
• You get what you'll settle for.